BAN AND TREE 2: THE TREESOME
by Hawkmamaknows
Summary: Ban and Elaine sneak off for some much-needed alone time. But when secrets come to light in the Fairy King Forest, their relationship is nearly torn apart.


HAWK MAMA BACK

HAWK MAMA STILL NEED HAT

LAZY SINS STILL NOT GET HAWK MAMA HAT

HAWK MAMA NO WANT BLONDE DEMON AND BIG BOOBS

HAWK MAMA WANT LITTLE FAIRY AND TALL WEIRDO

REMIND HAWK MAMA OF HAWK MAMA'S LOVE HOOSER

PUUUUGGGOOOOOOOO

* * *

Ban was the happiest albino he had been in a long, long time. He tripped over a sleeping giant mushroom creature, face planting into a really large patch of moss. His dead girlfriend was back from the dead because some deep fried barbeque demon had made a spell waking the dead. Although he supposed technically she was some kind of zombie, since she didn't eat the flesh of humanity he was okay with it. I mean, he had terrible breath so it kind of evened out. If she could love his halitosis, he could love her as a living corpse. And her hands and feet had always been really cold under the blanket, but he was pretty sure that was just a girl thing.

He hurried into the Fairy King Forest to meet up for their date, slapping two or three fairies out of his hair. Even though he was kinda the king of fairies, it wasn't by an election or anything. They just really hated the real king, Harlequin, overthrowing his rule with some really harsh smear campaign, so they picked him because he had drank from the fountain. It was not very democratic and hardly a way to set up a system of government, but again, Ban wasn't going to argue.

For once, Ban was stone cold sober. He didn't even have his bottle of ale in hand. And it was like, his signature thing man. There was no telling when Elaine was going to give up the ghost again, so he was determined to spend some real, quality time with her. Considering that he had been some level of drunk for the better part of two decades, he was feeling like absolute shit. It was amazing.

Tripping over that one goddamn root on his way in, "I knew it wasn't because of the drink!~" Ban grumbles, glaring at a vine trying to curl around his ankle, and he eagerly hurried through the trees. "Where are you, my little loli~?" he chuckled.

"Ban? Is that you?" Ah, her voice, like a little silver bell, called out to him. With a salacious grin he hurried forward. They were supposed to be having a little dinner (and hopefully more), and the Fox Sin couldn't _wait_ to get started.

When he found her, she was sitting on a huge mushroom, her legs swinging back and forth. She gasped in delight when she saw him, and practically leapt straight at him. Ban caught her up easily since she only weighed about 6 pounds, and after swinging her in a circle that left them both breathless and laughing, he pulled her down onto the soft grass and into a sweet kiss.

"Ban!" she said happily, putting her arms around his neck. "I'm so glad you made it."

"'Course, Buttercup~" Ban grinned, peppering her neck with kisses. The fairy sighed underneath them, and for several minutes there was lots of groping and kissing and licking and tickling and pulling and rocking and pinching and tweaking. And don't forget about the smacking and propelling, whatever made his girl happy, he was willing to do it.

With a growl he slid his hands under her dress. Fairies don't wear underwear, a fact he learned on a mission one time when their clothes became filled with bees and all the Sins had to tear them off quickly. King had nearly refused, but finally the stinging became too much. When he removed his clothes they all saw exactly why he had been so reluctant.

But before Ban could get to the good stuff, Elaine pulled away and stared up at him. "Ban," she said softly, "before we… do this, there are some things I need to tell you."

Damn it. He knew it had been too easy.

Slowly they sat up, and Ban leaned against his bent leg and looked at the fairy, who was perched next to him with her legs tucked under herself. He looked at her expectantly as she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Come on~" he urged. "Go on and tell me what's on your mind. I'll bet ya I'm not as shocked as you think I'll be."

"Oh really?" There is a mischievous glint in her eye that is both thrilling and nerve-wracking, so Ban raises his eyebrow in a challenge. "Yeah really," he answers. "You'd be surprised by how much time I've been spending around you… people."

Elaine jumps to her feet, her mouth twisted to hold back a smile. "Well I guess you never expected this!" she shouts, grabbing the hem of her dress and lifting it. "Fairies don't wear underpants!"

Ban leaned back on his hands, gazing up at the sight of Elaine's bare madge. "Yeah, Cupcake?" he said with a grin. "I already knew that. Although I didn't know how… decorative y'all were."

The fairy pouts, but the Fox Sin just admires the cooter. Her pubic hair was soft and blonde, the carpet matching the drapes nicely. But the hair had been braided into an intricate pattern, and was bespeckled with various gemstones that outlined the meat tunnel in the center. It was strangely beautiful, and Ban struggled between wanting to use his jewels on her snatch or to snatch her jewels.

"How did you know?" she moaned, dropping the hem of her dress.

Disappointed, Ban shrugged. "Your brother showed me."

"My… brother?" Suddenly Elaine turned even paler than normal, and he quickly waved his arms around in panic. Shit, he needed a drink. Dredging up these memories of King were super unpleasant, as hilarious as it was. "No, no, nothing like that. Our clothes turned into bees and we had to get down to our skivvies is all but he didn't have any-"

"It's okay, Ban," she laughed. "If you and my brother have a _thing_ … I mean I guess it's not terrible. I thought you were gay at first too."

Ban went into a coughing fit in horror. "You did?" he asked, confused, but Elaine cut him off. "Well, if that didn't shock you, I'm sure the next thing will." She took a deep breath and said, "Fairies grow wings when they reach a certain age."

Ban frowned. "Yeah, I know. I've met the others. What's-her-face, One-Eye, she's got wings, along with no legs, which is super weird. And so did Hamburger, the tall one? Who kept dying in disguise? The only adult one? In fact, so do the rest of the clan, ya know." The corner of his mouth turned up in a sly smile. "Except for you and King, that is~"

"Yeah, I know," she sighed. "I can't get mine until King does, since he's older. I don't know why he hasn't grown his."

"What do the wings do, anyway?" Ban asked, wishing a breeze or something would blow by so he could get another look at the bedazzled clam.

Elaine shrugged. "It's a mating thing. Shows off how virile you are. For the guys, anyway. For the girls it's more of a beauty thing, but doesn't mean anything. Like how some people like small tits and other people like big tits and some people don't care about tits at all. Same thing for female wings."

"Hmmmm~" Ban considered this for a moment, trying to picture what Elaine's wings would look like when they came in. Probably soft and white, just like she was. Nothing too garish or outrageous, not like-

"Hey!" he shouted. "That Gloxinia asshole… he's got like, the _biggest_ wings I've ever seen and-"

His question was cut off by Elaine nodding slowly. "Well damn."

A long moment of silence stretched between them as Ban wondered how Glox managed to hide his huge schlong in those parachute pants. "There's more," she said, pulling him out of his thoughts. She slowly walked towards him and sank down into his lap, gazing up at him with large eyes. "There is something, a secret only the guardian of the Sacred Tree knows."

Ban nods, swallowing thickly. "What is it? I was a guardian too, remember~"

"Yes but…" Her voice trailed away as one hand pressed lightly on his bare chest. "You weren't guardian long enough, probably. There is something the Sacred Tree requires from the saint in order to thrive."

"Elaine," he whispers, but her fingers press against his lips to silence him. "No, please, let me finish before I lose my nerve." She takes a deep breath and says in a rush, "The tree wants to bang. It shoots out branches and vines and violates the saint in order to renew itself. It's not… terrible."

"Elaine," he whispers, but her fingers pinch his lips closed to silence him. "No, please, let me finish." She takes a deep breath and continues in a rush, "The tree uses its long arms and leaves and berries and flowers and little sticks to stimulate the saint to make him-or her-reach full orgasm."

"Elaine," he whispers, but her fingers push into his mouth and grips the bottom of his jaw. "Please! Would you let me _talk_!" She takes a deep breath and goes on in a rush. "The Sacred Tree and I used to fuck all the time. It had me in every hole and every position. I came like a dozen times a day, Ban. It was amazing."

He swallowed again around her fingers, and she looked at him with sad eyes. "This was all before I met you, of course. After we fell in love I would never ever _ever_ dream of having sex with _anyone_ else, human or fairy or giant or beast or demon or vampire or druid or mermaid or wolfman or wizard or vegetable. Especially the vegetable. It was so hard. I mean, the first time I was introduced to a cucumber by a human it was agonizing! Do you know how much I had to resist that cucumber? I cried. I had to steel my nerves and cross my legs until it was a steel trap of not going to happen. I would never, ever do it with anyone else. I don't even like looking at other men. I consider it cheating."

"Y-you do?" he murmured, but with her fingers in his mouth it came out like, "Murmfphmru?"

Elaine nods. "I do."

Ban snatched her hand from his mouth, quickly kissing each finger. "Elaine, it's fine. I get it."

"You do?"

"I do." He sucked her pinky into his mouth, wiggling his eyebrows at her. No one ever said he was a particularly skilled lover. But Elaine was charmed nonetheless, and immediately flung herself onto him, like a teddy bear trying to take down an antique china cabinet.

Quickly they pulled off their clothes, and Ban gazed in delight and amazement at the glittering cock canal. His 100% all-beef thermometer was throbbing, and with a wolfish grin he leaned over her, he goes to sniff her hair, fluffy gold strands going up his nose as he snorts, but then Elaine's tiny hands fly up to his ridiculously long and muscular chest to stop him. "Wait!" she giggles like a hyena, "There's something I need to tell you." she bats her eyelashes her face all red and kind of weird. But it was probably because she was a zombie and all, Ban thought.

"What _now_ ~" he grumbled as he brought up a finger to poke one of her pink petaled holy grails. She jerks like the little dough boy before giggling again.

"Before we do this," she gasped, "there is a ceremony we must do."

In a flash she was up again, pulling him by the hand. "Can I get dressed first?" he yelped as he followed her through the trees, his purple headed tractor beam shriveling slightly as they got closer to the opening up top. But when they arrived at the Sacred Tree a moment later, he drew up short. Just like his hockey cocky. "Uh, Elaine? You know how you've been like, confessing stuff?"

"Shh," she snapped in her very bossy way, and turned to the tree in all her naked glory. He keeps looking at her cute little tushy as she says loudly, "Oh, Sacred Tree! It is I, the Fairy Saint of the Forest, Elaine Bjorkman- Lindburgh-Kimura-Matsushima- Baumbach- Penzig- Arbore- DePalma- Chastain- Gupta- Ozolins- Arechevaleta- Soto- Darrow- von Brandt."

"What the hell," Ban hissed. "That's your last name?"

Elaine shrugs. "Yeah. I mean, I have like twelve grandparents. I have all the last names there are in the fairy clan." Turning her attention back, she says, "I come to you as the giver of Life, the ancestor of our Clan. I present to you my chosen mate, Ban."

Nothing happens, so Elaine nudges him forward. "Say something," she whispers.

"Uhhhhh~" He waves up at the branches. "Yo, tree. Been a while."

 _"Baaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnn,"_ the tree whispers, and suddenly vines shoot out from the tree and wrap around them both.

"What the hell!" Elaine screams as her tiny body is lifted into the air. "Bad tree! Put me down!"

 _"BAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!"_ the tree insists, and the Fox Sin is lifted upside-down into the air. Instantly leaves and vines and boughs are poking every part of his body.

"What is going on?" Elaine cries. "What are you doing?"

Swatting away the vines as best as he can, Ban says, "Well I was trying to tell you… the Sacred Tree and I kind of… had a thing."

"A _THING_?!" she screeched. "How could you?! You cheater!"

"It was just like a one-night stand! In the middle of the day." he yells, his face going pale as a very thick vine rubs tenderly against his cheek, "I didn't know you were _related_ then! And How the hell was I supposed to stop it-!"

The rest of his explanation is cut off as a vine is shoved into his mouth, while at the same time one wraps around his member now standing at full attention. "Elaine, I'm sorry!" he tries to yell, but with his mouth full of tree it comes out, "Frummerfremreruuem!"

"Well frummer-whatever back at you!" she shrieks, flipping him the finger.

" _Don't be jealoussssss,"_ the tree whispered, and both of them look at one another. Now their arms and legs are completely entwined in the topiary. _"There is enough tree for both of youuuuuuuu… You will grow with this experience… I'll give you some root beer... "_

"Oh fuck," Ban said, but with the branch in his mouth it sounded like, "Oh buck."

Suddenly their bodies were thrust together, the tree rubbing them up and down against each other, as if the tree was milking a cow or swishing sandpaper together. Ban's erection scraped along the fairy's body, both painful and arousing. He spit the vine out of his mouth and yelled, "This isn't how people do it, ya know~!"

" _Sorrrryyyyyyy for the rough tree-tment…"_ The tree spun them around so that their backs pressed against each other. They continued to slide up and down over each other's bodies, and Elaine yelps in frustration. "This isn't how it's done either!" she snaps, trying to bat vines away, but they just tickle her pickle more.

 _"Make babies for treeeee… Don't be acorn-y…"_

"Oh no!" Ban moaned. They were now turned so the tops of their heads were rubbing together in slow circles. "Please, not the puns! Anything but that again!"

" _Pollinate the forest… Give us re-leaf…"_

"Pollinate? What?" Ban asked, incredulous, as they were flipped again, forming a T-shape as Elaine's stomach was pressed against his face. The Sacred Tree pressed them together again and again, her unbelievably muscular stomach battering his nose flat. "Knock that off!" he yelled, but with a mouth full of navel it came out, "Nurmurfur!"

"Don't worry!" Elaine laughed. "I know what the tree wants." The tree was now trying to put them together with her legs wrapped around his neck. Which wasn't the worst position it had tried so far, as Ban got up close and personal with the jewel-encrusted love muffin. However, as the tree continued its frenzied movements he realized that having rubies and diamonds and sapphires scraping up and down your face is more painful than it sounds.

"Sacred Tree!" she called. "Release your spores!"

To Ban's horror, they were wrenched apart, arms and legs still held tightly, and the vines began to gyrate them in wild circles. His big italian salami begins to helicopter in a not-entirely-unpleasant-but-not-how-he-was-picturing-this-to-go sort of way. Then, to his even more horror, the fairy clan shoots out of everywhere around them, some from behind rocks and bushes and holes and branches and crawl down the walls and skip down the hallways and pop out of holes and fly down from above and hobble out of doors, and begin to dance out from their hiding places in the Sacred Tree clearing.

"Oh King Ban! Thank you!"

"We love you King Ban!"

"Elaine, you're amazing!"

Once more they created a massive conga line around the tree, all chanting with signs and Kazoos and hats and being really way too happy about this situation, "Ban! Go! Elaine! Go! Do it! Do it! Do it!" they shake pom poms and a couple are sobbing really happy tears with tissues stuffed up their noses as they continue to circle around them in their dance.

"Elaine!" he cried, wrenching his eyes over to where his fairy girlfriend was bent backwards, her body splayed out, just how he had wanted to do before all this stupid tree business began. The vines slithered up his body, tightening around his mastiff baloney pony and stroking down his nether regions in a familiar and enticing way. They poke and prod and slide and grind and kiss and circle and take their times and slap and spank and grip and triangulate their location and his entire body shudder, his blood begin to pound with the lovemaking he had been craving in the weeks since his first encounter with the tree.

"This!" he cries and the fairies sing around him, his pokey dockie turning into an angry purple headed soldier so hard that as its spins around, it cuts down vines in it's angry way. The fairies cheers are really getting to him again, and he spits out a vine to howl, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS RACE?!"

Meanwhile, Elaine's mouth and eyes were open, hanging wide as the tree worked her body. Some fairies start to pass out, blood spurting out of their noses in rivers. The branches licke at her arms and legs and knees and nipples and hips and buried between her thighs, jewels popping off left and right as it went to town on her honey pot. They rebraid her cuttie hair, sticky yellow and white seeds began to rain down on them from all direction like a slightly more slimy than normal rain. A rainbow appears above the festival, colors vibrant as cries of "I love you Ban!" and "I guess it's not _really_ cheating!" help, and soon their bodies and hair were covered with the pollen from the tree. Ban could hardly care, could hardly breathe through the rapidly building orgasm that began to pulse inside of him. Elaine is so out of it that her tiny little humpback whales on her chest are cutting down leaves left and right, her cherry picker as happy as he is. He was moment from exploding, if the tree would just go a bit faster, if it would thrust inside his backdoor a little more.

It's like it can hear his thoughts, the thicker branch shoving so far up his ass he can probably taste it, jell-o molds and high-beam lights flashing behind his eyelids. Whoa, now he remembered why he couldn't find a plant to satisfy him in the tavern.

Suddenly Elaine's body constricted as the vine goes to town inside his red rimmed hole. His one eye Peter Pan screams. Tears came to his eyes, thinking his beautiful fairy girlfriend had finally come to her own release; but instead, she let go a powerful, horrifying, explosion that throws the congo line with a gigantic,

" _ **AAAACCCHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_ "

All of the pollen that had settled on them was suddenly thrust away in the force, like the force of a tsunami. An explosion like a meteorite slamming into lioness and scattering the pollen with the most powerful sneeze that erupted from the tiny girl blew with such force that all of the conga-dancing fairies tumble everywhere, the leaves on the nearby trees, and the pollen exploded in every direction. Squeals of terror and delight from the fairies who rolled away and into the distance on the force of the blast filled the air, some keep going and going and going, off into the sky. And then Ban exploded.

His body began to pour out sprays of white foam, his eyes rolling all the way back and with the continued circling of the tree as it hula hoops him, it looked rather like a lawn sprinkler as he was tilted this way and that, shaken and tossed with his manly essence soaking the forest floor in every direction.

Finally finished, the Sacred Tree lowered them both to the ground. Ban and Elaine collapsed, naked, together, panting and sweaty and sticky with sap. "The fuck~" Ban groaned, lifting a heavy hand to press on his forehead. "We have got to get a hotel room next time."

"Yeah," Elaine murmured into the moss, unable to move.

"I really need a drink."

"Yeah."

"Hey Elaine?"

"Yeah?"

"Wanna… do it~?"

"No."

Ban sighed, rolling onto his back. He looks down at his tonsil tickler as it deflates with sadness, before he looks up at the canopy of pink leaves. Cockblocked by a tree, again.


End file.
